1. Going Deaf
A tandem rider is stopped by a police car.
"What've I done, officer?" asks the rider.
"Perhaps you didn't notice sir, but your wife fell off your bike half a mile back . . ."
"Oh, thank God for that," says the rider - "I thought I'd gone deaf!"
2. Mark Twain's Wisdom on Cycling
U.S. Library of Congress"Learn to ride a bicycle. You will not regret it if you live."
3. Pig! Pig!
The other day on a ride, I was speeding down a narrow, twisting, mountain road. Then along comes a woman who was driving very slowly uphill toward me, honking her horn and shouting at me.
"PIG! PIG!!" she yelled. "PIG! PIG!!"
So I flipped her the finger and shouted back some things I dare not repeat as I buzzed by her.
Still thinking about this awful woman and her shouting, I turned the corner and promptly collided with a pig.
4. A Nerd and His New Bike
(c) Stock.xchngA nerd was walking down the sidewalk one day when his friend, another nerd, rode up on an incredible shiny new bicycle.
The first nerd was stunned by his friend's sweet ride and asked, "WOW! Where did you get such a nice bike?"
The second nerd replied, "Well, yesterday I was walking home, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want!'"
The second nerd nodded approvingly, "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
5. A Cyclist in Heaven
A very devout cyclist dies and goes to heaven. Saint Peter meets him at the gate. First thing the cyclist askes is if there are bicycles in heaven.
"Sure," says St. Peter, "let me show you," and he leads the guy into the finest Velodrome you can imagine.
"This is great," the cyclist says.
"It certainly is," says St. Peter. "You will have a custom bike and the best cycling clothes you've ever seen, and your personal masseuse will always available."
As they speak a blur streaks by them on the boards riding a gold plated Cinelli.
"Wow!" the cyclist exclaims. "That guy was so fast that can only be Eddy Merckx!"
"No," says St. Peter, "that was God on the bike, he only thinks he's Eddy".
6. The Hardest Part of Learning to Ride a Bike
Q. Do you know what is the hardest part of learning to ride a bike?
A. The pavement.
7. Two Nerds on a Tandem
Two nerds are riding along on a tandem, when suddenly, the one on the front slams on the brakes, gets off and starts letting air out of the tires.
The one on the back says: "HEY! What are you doing that for!?"
The first nerd says, "My seat was too high and was hurting my butt. I wanted to lower it a bit."
So the one in the back has had enought. He jumps off, loosens his own seat and spins it round to face the other direction.
Now it's the first guy's turn to wonder what's going on. "What are you doing?" he asks his friend.
"Look mate," says the rider in the back, "if you're going to do stupid stuff like that, I'm going home!!"
8. Problem Dog
(c) Aubrey/Flickr"I've really had it with my dog," said the first guy to his neighbor. "He'll chase anyone on a bicycle"
"Hmmm, that is a problem," said the neighbor. "What are you thinking of doing about it?"
"Guess the only answer is to confiscate his bike!"
9. The Pedestrian and the Cyclist
A pedestrian stepped off the curb and into the road without looking one day and promptly gets knocked flat by a passing cyclist.
"You were really lucky there," said the cyclist.
"What on earth are you talking about! That really hurt!" said the pedestrian, still on the pavement, rubbing his head.
"Well, usually I drive a bus!" the cyclist replied.
10. A Tough Climb on a Tandem
Jack and Jill have just climbed Le Alp de Huez, one of the steepest peaks in the Alps on their tandem.
"Phew, that was a tough climb" said Jack, leaning over, breathing hard. "That climb was so hard, and we were going so slow, I thought we were never going to make it."
"Yeah, good thing I kept the brakes on," said Jill, "or we'd have slid all the way back down!"